Mum and Gin's prolly ;diao at the fact that I cook maggie to nom at this timing again.
But seriously, I wanna do something else besides sleeping because I seemingly really have no mood for that.
It's not that I am moody.
Ok, maybe a little.
But yea, I just feel like doing something else.
Besides sleeping.
Sleeping is a luxury.
And I don't wanna waste this luxury by spending it with nightmares.
So what is on my mind actually?
A few things.
Namely two that is really bugging me.
It's after exams, and I should feel more stress-free now.
But the amount of pressure pressing down on me, is equal to what I feel during school term.
I really really have no idea what is Harlem Shake.
I didn't watch the video and neither am I interested in it.
After hearing what people said about it.
Like just random dancing.
That kind of thing won't take long, I assume (one video need how long to film for such random-ness without restrictions?).
It's meaningless.
And I don't feel close enough with Legends people to do things like that.
Don't talk about the FAM spirit with me.
When the founder shot me with a post commenting on how unreal I am as a girlfriend.
Yea, if you're reading this and thinking that I'm a bitch, that's your problem.
Really.
Everyone have different interest in different things.
I respect your decision for wanting what seem like a fun and bonding session.
But unfortunately, this time, I am really in no mood and interest to take part.
And I wish you can respect that, Rem Shifu.
The event is at 11AM in the morning.
Which I will take 2 hours to travel from where I am to the venue.
I have to leave house at 9AM.
Wake up at 8AM.
Go there for God knows how long.
With a bunch of people I am not close to.
Have tried to bond but cannot bond with.
With a bunch of people where I don't think I can bond with because I am having a wrong mindset.
It's stressing me how they are bringing out FAM spirit and the power to expel people.
Just because they don't turn up for the Harlem Shake thing.
Seriously?
Is Legends' FAM spirit only this much?
Determined by whether an individual turn up for a Harlem Shake event because some of the members (particularly the JRs) ?
I am quite amused, with no offence.
To Gin, I am sorry.
But really.
I joined Legends because I want to be friends with your friends.
Because I know how much you cherish them.
How important they are to you.
The kind of roles they play in your life.
Especially Rem.
Albeit at this moment, I am really too upset.
To actually do this type of things with you and them.
I hate it how you all raise up the issue of expelling just because people don't go for an event.
I have made myself present for almost all the events, despite having projects, assignments going on.
If Legends is gonna expel me just because of this one event that I really have no interest in turning up for.
I guess I have no choice then.
I guess I have to admit, if that is the case, that I really don't belong in your world, in your social circle.
In Legends (a FAM where Rem says people change, a FAM I always thought of as a family of friends).
That's the first thing I am stressed over.
Second thing is obviously, the post that Troy wrote.
Honestly, I still cannot forget.
How I am told off like that.
Even if it's my fault for stomping off.
I insist on the fact that I didn't stop you from playing Dota.
Which was the reason why he scolded me.
I feel damn hurt.
For being accused that I stick to you 24/7.
Even though I keep telling you that I wanna go home.
It's like being told off for something I wasn't even at fault for.
And the other points that I have raised up.
I am your girlfriend.
They're your brothers.
I don't ask myself to be prioritized before them.
I appreciate that you do (I think).
But if your doing so results in me getting harsh posts like that.
I rather stay away from you, as far as possible.
And believe me.
That I feel like cutting off all contacts with you and them.
Even as of today because I feel so fucking suffocated.
What's a FAMily without respect.
Respect each other's preferences.
Respect each other's relationship.
I didn't came in to Legends to get chided by your brother, Azriel.
I joined Legends because I wanted to be friends with your friends.
I am really glad I know Laura, Xavier and Ryan.
But I am tired of people like Oona and Troy, who show extreme bia-ness to people they know well.
Honestly, Azriel.
I am tired.
And upset.
And hurt enough.
I don't know how to talk this to you.
And I know that I shouldn't even bring this up.
To you, it's just bringing up the past.
But I can't just put in behind me like that.
Like you do.
Despite trying to.
And sadly, I feel like I can be drained of my happiness.
And my happy moments with you if I don't.
Pardon me for being selfish.
Because I know you won't understand how I feel about this whole thing.
No matter how I hint you or talk to you about.
I am just upset over this two things.
Other than that.
I love the way we are now.
Really.
I cannot deny how I honestly love to be with you.
How I can listen to you talk and just look at your eyes, your gestures.
Your voice, and the kind of warmth I feel when you pull me in for a hug.
How happy and sweet I feel when I know you're hugging me when I sleep.
And I know but just that I am too sleepy to respond.
How you're always there when I open my eyes from a nightmare.
I know we had some hiccups along the way.
Big ones, small ones, stupid ones, silly ones, stubborn ones.
But I know all those are normal because we are still two individuals trying to understand each other more.
We are two individuals with differences in the way we act and the way we think.
I don't mind being sad because of stupid things we do, then being fine around you again.
Even though it hurts me thoroughly sometimes.
I think they're worth it.
Because it's a relationship with you I am talking about.
It's a future together with each other that we are both fighting and working for now.
So I am fine with those hiccups.
But not this.
This is just a stain.
This post is just a stain.
And the people who liked that post.
Are seriously.
Not really those that I would feel like talking to.
When Troy posted openly how 'she' deserved to get both her max rings broken away.
I knew it was who, but I didn't liked that post.
But Oona liked this post without even knowing the full story.
So did the many others.
Especially Joyi, who is always treating me like a stranger.
How she say hi to you.
And how she say hi to me.
You seriously still don't understand why I am upset?
Even Boon and Charlotte understands.
How people like status only when they can relate or they agree to it.
You say people can be liking for the sake of like.
Don't tell me the people in Legends have no EQ to like something as no-joke as this.
For the sake of liking it.
If they are, they would have been liking every single posts up on Legends.
But we don't see that, do we?
So don't gimme the crap on why you don't get why I am upset about the likes.
Seriously, if you don't.
Then I really am at a loss of words.
I really really really love you, dear.
Even though it's just a short 4 months.
What your friends say cannot diminish my feelings for you.
But because I know you value them.
I will feel hurt and be more aware of what I can only do.
And can't do.
There's a barrier formed
I have been trying to tear it down.
But as long as this dreadful feeling is not solved, the barrier will just get stronger.
If after reading this post, you still don't understand me.
You still cannot feel me.
Then I also have nothing to say le.
I am hereby entreating you, for your understanding.
Before I am too worn out and decide to retreat into my comfort zone.
Lolz.