Haven't been blogging for the past few days again.
Time to start writing again before memory fails me.
Problem is, there are so many things, what should I start with?

My feelings now?
Sad, depressed, moody.

I hate being shrugged off with a nothing when I am showing concern.
As for myself when I rant on Facebook, Twitter, whatever.
And someone asks me what happened, I am pretty sure I don't really say nothing anymore.

Maybe I do, "nothing" to those who I honestly know are just kaypo-iing.
Even so, I will add on a "don't wish to talk about it, it's over, I'll be ok" and thank them for their concern.

But if it's closer friends, who can understand what I am talking about cuz we have been talking and they will understand the terms I will be using, like "FAM", "M Points", "Interim Presentation" and I don't have to make another explanation to what terms like these mean because they understand, I will either elaborate on what's up, or let them know that I will tell them later cuz I need time to sort out my thoughts.

"Nothing" alone is seriously not the best way to let the other party know that you don't wish to talk about it.

In a relationship, at least for me, "nothing" makes me feel unreliable, untrusted, and that makes me feel as though an invisible barrier is slowly being constructed, even though the guy I am with may be just be saying that not to worry me or to protect his pride..
At least add on something to "nothing" ?

I find it hard to express concern in the future cuz I will never know when I am going to get "nothing" again.

Maybe that is why couples drift, lack of communication (or follow-up) after the "nothing" is said.

I am just feeling very upset and moody at this moment.
Or perhaps have been so these few days.

I hate being stuck with so many things to do and not being able to catch up with people I wanna hang out with.

At this instant, Legends outing.
I can't even be there.

Want more example?
-DanceCult- , I want to try recruiting again, to bring back the life into this FAM.
I want to play Dota with some of them, Kai Rong was even nice enough to set a team or something.
I want to be involved.

-DanceCult- is a really special FAM because it's like my effort together with my best friends.
Yet now, they are always busy chatting in Vongola and totally negelcting DC chat even though it's beginning to be active just.

Things like Lotti getting a new DS from Boon.
It's a good thing to be shared.
But why only Vongola?
Why not with DanceCult too?

My heart hurts so much but I don't think anyone can understand how it does.
Probably gonna say I am too sensitive or whatever shit again.

Feeling like I keep trying to stay knitted to everyone, be friends with everyone and they are just taken for granted,
Spoke and thought we worked things out but it only seem to stay valid for a while before everything goes back to square 1.

For now, I left Vongola chat.
It's good to see them being so happy for Lotti and all.
And Vongola being really active.
But from the time I am gonna feel part of the crew, to knowing them, to feeling like I have been accepted, to being promoted after understanding the whole game and being able to know what talking them, it's still feel like it's gonna be eons, and right now, I am just feeling so stranger in that chat again I really can't take it.

I am happy for Boon and Lotti being so sweet.
Happy for Vongola being so active.
But I can't stop feeling being neglected.

I'm just so tired.
And I just wanna be left alone.
Because at this moment, I can totally see that no one understands how I feel now.
No one is gonna understanding and see from my POV.

No one.