Actually, I really do have quite a number of things that I wanna blog.
But still considering if I should.
One of the hesitations is actually the few days where I was busy with my grandma's funeral.
I wanna write it down so I'd remember it.
But writing it down definitely will make me sad when I read about it...
But anyway, I shall.
20 March 2013.
I called her back and she said the hospital called me but I didn't picked up.
(Though I checked the call log and I didn't have any missed call from anyone besides my mum.)
She then asked me to get down to Changi General Hospital by 2PM.
It was impossible >_> , I reached there at 3PM plus in the end.
Visiting time was over but I managed to get through and accompanied my ahma together with my aunt (her eldest daughter).
I walked my aunt to the lift because I know my aunt has something to tell me in private.
She told me that the doctor told her that, my ahma may recover for the better.
Or might not make it, they can't be sure.
I had a bad feeling about it, but I choose to believe my ahma will stay strong, as always.
I stayed on with her until 6PM plus.
I was supposed to go off at 5PM to fetch Gin from his school, but I just had that feeling that I had to stay on.
That I have to just, appreciate, cherish that every single moment with her.
I looked at the tubes connected to her.
The drip that was flowing into her.
And the uncomfortable feeling she felt after changing ward.
Ohshit, I am missing her so badly now...
I knew I had to stay on, somehow, and finally went off when Gin told me he ended school.
In my heart, I was thinking if I should ask Gin to come to the hospital.
Because my ahma asked for him, she wanted to know how I was doing with him.
She asked about Alee too.
And I told him, we broke up some time ago.
In the end, I decided not to.
Considering that Gin just ended school, he prolly feel tired.
And being damn sure about the fact that he will reject the idea because he feels lazy, he too tired.
Yea, those words are taking a toll on me.
And because of it, this is gonna be one of the greatest regrets in my life.
I made my ahma promise that she'll wait because I will bring Gin to see her, the next day.
I stepped out of the hospital with a heavy heart.
I left my ahma when she was surrounded by two nursing staff.
I believe she was in good care.
I felt worried because she was breathless after changing wards where I think she wasn't given the oxygen mask for sometime during the test and switching of wards.
I was fucking worried.
Yet I tried to pretend everything's fine and suggested to Gin that we meet at Somerset.
I met up with Gin at City Hall.
And I raised the question about him visiting my ahma.
To my (100% confirmed) disappointment, yes, he seems relunctant.
It hurts me actually.
I wanted to say fine, nvm I visit her myself then.
But I couldn't take it anymore.
I felt pissed, angry.
Because inside myself, I am thinking, she's my ahma.
Shouldn't you care about her too?
After showing that I am a little pissed.
He then hesitantly say mmm ok...
@Gin:
My family members, are the most important people in my life, ever.
I don't know if it has anything to do with horoscope, me being a Cancer and all.
But I love my family members, and cherish them above everything and anything.
It's a major turn off when you can be oblivious to the fact.
If you can't treat my family members as yours, I don't think we can go further.
Honest.
We walked from Somerset to Parklane.
And he complained that he's tired.
Our date never seem to seem like a date at all.
I don't mean to sound mean and all but seriously.
Is there any memorable date where we seriously had the whole day to ourselves?
You don't even ask me out anymore.
K partly cuz of school, you and me.
You don't even jio me to Audii.
You always say you're tired and sleepy, have a lot of work to do.
And not even attending Vemma stuff.
But seen Dota-iing.
^ what's this.
Our date that day, ended up with him checking out computers at Volcano.
Lulz, I feel so pathetic, honestly.
Nvm, I went home with Gin, to his place.
And frankly, on the bus, I felt damn uncomfortable.
Kept thinking about my grandma and all.
I reached his house, settled down, Audii awhile.
Got a call from my mum, and Gin accompanied me to cab down to CGH.
21 March 2013.
Reached there at midnight.
My younger brother came out of the cab and fetch us, helping us settle the cab fare cuz I didn't had enough.
And we rushed up.
The ward was dark.
And her bed was surrounded with the curtains.
With the inner area lit up.
It hit on me the instant, when I saw that scene that it didn't turn out well.
And that the doctors failed to save my ahma.
But I carried that little hope in me, that she's well, and everyone was standing around her bed because they were talking to her.
I walked towards the bed.
Only to find out that, my ahma's left us.
The position in which she was left with didn't seem comfortable.
And everyone was sobbing.
My brother broke into tears and it pained me loads.
My mum comforted him saying it's her fault for not encouraging him to visit ahma.
Ahma was asking about my brother too, that afternoon.
And that, my fucking bitchy aunt (ahma's daughter-in-law) have to come up to my brother and tell him, "You know actually ahma miss you alot, she keep asking for you."
Fucker, mother fucker, you need say this kind of thing when a young boy here is crying not.
The whole time at the hospital was a tormented one.
I kept trying to keep myself from crying.
But from time to time, tears keep flowing out.
As I think of the things I wanted to do for my ahma.
Things like promising to call her everyday when she's discharged.
And bringing good food to her.
She even told me she wanna see me get married.
But she thinks she don't have the chance.
I told her, please be healthy, I want my husband and I to offer tea to her.
And she's like, what's the point of offering tea, I have no angbao to give, later your in-laws despise me, or you, how?
I assured her Gin's parents are not like that.
The nursing staffs put her in an aircon room.
She looked like she's sleeping.
Just that, the blanket covering her was still.
Because her heart was still.
We stayed on, and waited, for the undertaker to come.
It was a long long wait.
And while waiting, we went to get some refreshments.
Gin then told me about how irritated he was with that bitchy aunt.
I hate to think and remember that this was the bitch my ahma was living with for the last moments at her own home.
The undertaker came, we sent my ahma off, requesting her to stay with the undertaker for a night.
None of us had much sleep, for we need to wake up the next morning to wait at Bedok, the void deck, for the arrival of my ahma's body.
They said it wasn't good for ahma to wait, so we had to be there early.
The body came, and I saw her being dressed in a way that loos religious.
We surrounded her coffin after she was laid there.
Her lips were blue black, purple.
Her eyes were tightly shut.
It was hurtful, when we had to look away while they seal the coffin.
To think that my ahma will never see the beautiful sky again, to breathe in fresh air.
It's painful even up till this moment.
Jess and Charlotte did came to visit me.
Rem and Gin were there too.
I felt much better when I had people companying me.
After all, I wasn't that close to my cousins and they had their own guests to tend to.
Jess and Charlotte stayed on to the latest.
I went home with my parents.
My brother stayed.
22 March 2013.
I don't know when I started getting paranoid.
Being afraid in the dark and all.
Being afraid of total silence.
Waking up to knowing and remembering you got a funeral to go to is not exactly a very pleasant feeling.
In fact, it's fucking unpleasant.
I am depressed and all.
And actually, it would have been good if there was someone who texted me asking me how I felt, etc, and showing in the obvious way that he or she cares.
Unfortunately, nope.
I went to the wake asap after I woke up.
In my head thinking, I got to spend as much time as close to my ahma as possible.
Gin came and visit me awhile.
But had to leave.
It's sad actually, how even on a depressing event like this, he has things to attend to.
I had to understand though that he and Rem really have important stuff to tend to.
But at that moment, I just wanted to be selfish, to have people cared for me.
That was the way my ahma felt, I guess.
I am fucking guilty for being able to show her how much I actually think of her.
I should have called her when I have time.
I should have visited her at Bedok when she was still staying at home.
It's all too late now.
And that was the last day of the wake before she had to be sent off for cremation the next day.
I wanted to inform Alee.
After all, he has been kind of, a friend to my ahma as well.
But at that emotional stage that I was, I really couldn't think of the depth of disappointment, hurt, and how shitty I will feel if he don't reply or cock up some excuse to tell me he can't come.
In any way that he shows that he is not interested, he don't give a damn.
Not to mention the fact that, one of the last time I asked him to visit my ahma, he pangseh-ed me due to soccer and beer which he promised he won't.
He didn't even apologized despite knowing the fact my ahma waited.
I am still a little pissed with him for that incident.
Fly me aeroplane, nvm, you fly my ahma's aeroplane.
But forget it.
In the end, I chose not to.
Because I strongly believe, he doesn't care about me anymore.
Nor my family, what happens to us, and even if it's my funeral that's being held.
That's how low, my faith in people was at that point of time.
The day ended, with me camping at the void deck.
Sleeping, cold and hard, the chair was.
And nothing but a long towel to ensure I had some warmth.
23 March 2013.
I woke up to breakfast.
Didn't have much appetite, couldn't finish it all, so I asked my brother to.
The whole process of walking around my ahma's coffin for the last time was a horrible feeling.
How am I supposed to take it?
For the last time.
Being at such near distance to this woman, who took care of me since I was born.
Being at such near distance to this woman, who took care of me since I was born.
Who made sure I have breakfast to eat when no one's at home to cook for me.
Who helped me find my stuff when they go missing at home?
Who stuffed money into my hands when I was starving during secondary school.
Fuck, I'm crying.
Who I threw my temper at.
And used harsh words upon.
The guilt, the anguish, for the things I have mentioned, be it directly above, or some way above.
How was I supposed to contain all these feelings, staying sane.
HOW WAS I...????????????????????
Unbearable, the pain was, placing my palm onto the white van, walking my ahma's coffin in the van, some distance, accompanying her on her last journey.
It's not unbearable, the pain was stabbing, suffocating, it was choking and killing me.
We took the bus to Mandai.
That place was white.
Quiet, and quite well decorated.
And I supposed that is to help the family members and relatives / friends of those who passed away, to feel better.
There was a short ritual.
The hall was cold, freezing.
We then walked to this viewing hall when he stood at the higher level, watching as they sent my ahma for cremation.
My aunt's heart couldn't take it.
She couldn't stand properly.
She had to sit down, watching as her mum gets sent further.
Almost everyone was crying.
How could anyone not.
Most of us was shouting in Hokkien, "Sio cu bo sio lang."
Which means, to burn the house and not the person.
We then head back to Bedok, to have lunch before we needed to return to Mandai to collect the ash.
While lunching, my mum was telling her best friend something, and I overheard.
She told her friend, that at ahma's death bed, that bitch aunt admitted to everyone, that ahma kept saying she was gonna die.
And when ahma said that, she told ahma to die faster better, so no need people to have a tough time taking care of her.
OHYA.
And my last moments with my ahma, ahma actually told me, that bitchy aunt told her there's no point in bringing me and my brother up cuz we don't give a damn about her not that we don't need her.
Cb.
FUCKING MORON.
HOW CAN SHE EVER FUCKING SAY THAT.
AND HOW CAN SHE HAVE THE FUCKING FUCK FACE CHEECK TO ACTUALLY ADMIT IT.
Nabei _|_ fuck you seriously, just fuck you, fuck yourself, and keep fucking yourself.
Collecting the ash is one of the most painful thing.
Seeing your loved one reduce to nothing but white bones.
We picked her bones and I forgot was it before or after picking the bones.
The person who was in charge of guiding us showed us two videos, of spirits coming back into the hall where the ritual was held.
It was a black figure.
He reminded us that life didn't end when the body dies.
The spirit remains.
I guess it was disturbing, yet heartwarming, somehow.
Knowing our blessings are not for nothing.
Yet it was creepy.
I don't know how to express how I feel but my hair was standing.
Perhaps the reason why, I am still creeped out.
After collecting her ashes, we lead her to Bright Hill Temple where her ashes was transferred to another urn, to be kept at the place where we chose for her.
Right beside her beloved son :) ...
I guess it's good we managed to fulfill one of her last biggest wishes.
I hope she is happy.
27 March 2013.
As of now, I am supposed to be sleeping.
It's 3.31AM now.
And I need to wake up at 6.30AM later because I need to be at Bishan at 8.30AM.
Time flies and it's a week since my ahma left us.
I still miss her like mad.
And keep thinking of her every now and then.
I don't know if I can ever forgive myself.
And how long I can hold on to my sanity.
There're times when I feel like just breaking down and giving up on everything.
Rationally, I know it's stupid, my emotionally, that's how I feel.
But mentally, I keep telling myself, no.
My mum is staying strong.
And I can never never give up on my friendships.
It doesn't help now that Jess is somehow avoiding me or something.
She's cold to me.
I know because of something I said.
But I hope she can understand.
The fact that I was really upset, the fact that I can't think properly.
The fact that it was because I really need her.
It doesn't help now either that Gin asked me to text him, after my phone went dead (can't charge, was working) and he fell asleep without waiting for me...
I know he's tired.
But am I not?
Sigh.
Yeezi, when can you ever ever feel absolutely normal again?
When can you forgive yourself.
When can things ever fall back in track..?