Freaking sure I wouldn't be able to get far.
So here I am sitting at where we would always sit when he wants to take a smoke.
Have no idea.
Since where.
I start to cry more easily.
Get impatient more easily.
Feel so angry so easily, more than ever.
All the efforts spent when I was trying to keep all these under control long disappeared.
I don't even know how to explain the frustration that I feel today, just now, or rather, since yesterday.
I have been living in a realms of low self-esteem, yet once again, with all my weird emotional dreams taking their tolls on me.
I am sick of these waves of emotions drowning me and yet I can't do shit about it.
The only comfort yesterday probably was Babe chatting with me on Facebook, after she read my blog and explaining loads of stuffs which I (mis)understood.
I remembered a time when I feel this fed up too.
And Gin was asking me what happened.
I didn't even wanna answer because I know he won't accept it.
Apparently, my guess was right as he mocjed at my answer.
PMS.
I don't even like being a girl.
Honestly.
Because of my gender, I lost my chance of being a freelance / parttime DJ at YES93.3.
Bexause I am a girl, I have to waste money, every now and then on pads, pink panadols, and suffer the cramps that is so many times worse than gastric.
And I have no fucking idea how many iadies out there are going through the same shit as me.
Feeling this ball of fury in their abdomen, wanting to lash out at every single shit and subject.
He wanted me to explain myself.
How can I?
When he's already so fed up.
And he'll probably just flare up if I am gonna tell him nothing.
"Nothing then you pekcek for?"
"PMS?? You can tell me PMS??"
Whatever I say will be wrong.
And I am still wrong even if I don't say anything.
I appreciate his parient and concern.
But sadly, he doesn't understand how being me feels like, the SHIT feelings that are going through me.
Yet I can't say anything cuz I believe he'll ridicule me for being so oblivious to his "patience".
Ya, it's ok, so I am gonna just sit here and cry until my head stops hurting and I feel ok.
It's ok, it's really ok the fact that Gin doesn't even make the effort to follow after me cuz he wants to use his computer.
It's really ok.
Because whatever I do, or say, it just goes further to show that my existence is clearly wrong.
And that that will probably be the only thing I am right about :) .
It's ok, really ok.
All this tormenting mixed emotions will be gone soon.
It's really ok.
^^.
I'm fine.
I will be fine.
I'm good.
I'm strong.
I'm definitely surviving this.
I'm cool.
I'll ya, be fine, just fine like.